in 30 years time

don't for a second minimize me because of my age

for in 30 years time I have suffered greatly

I have battle wounds and scars on my heart that compare to the worst of 'em

 

I've carried the weight of the world on my shoulders since I was a babe

born with a sensitive heart

a busy mind

and broken boundaries

I sought love, approval, attention and solace in anyone and anything

that could distract me for a moment

from my own suffering

 

I've never needed anyone to create a living hell for me

I discovered one within my own skin

locked and trapped in my body and torn soul

like a rabid caged monkey itching for an open field to lay down

and die in

but somehow I sought more pain

in a pill, in a drink, in a pipe

one hit at a time

I craved a blackout

one big fucking pause button on the suffering of the world

the madness of the human mind

and the relentless need to be anywhere else than where I was

 

the void and emptiness in me consumed any bit of light remaining

I tumbled down, further down than I thought possible

any yet when I saw the face of death

I discovered I wasn't ready to give up



somehow  

somewhere  

in the darkest caverns of my desperation a light flickered

my soul beckoned to me

in one final plea

 

this time I listened

most likely because I knew my flesh would dissolve into the dirt

if I didn't seek the healing


I deserved

that YOU deserve

I didn't know at the time but

this was my defining moment

one where I would begin to fill the shoes of my soul


I'd hoped that this pivotal shift would put me on easy street

but shit only got harder

strength and vision kept me moving


forward

inward

this way

that way

tumbling deep down into the depths of life

 

we've all be told to fear hell

but it was in hell that I found my heaven


a kingdom of serenity, love, connection, and meaning

deep within myself

darkness visits every now and again

but it doesn't own me anymore

there are now only memories of my tales of terror


haunting ghosts whisper in my sleeping ears

ever so rarely in the middle of the night

and occasionally I forget that sometimes it's just my turn


darkness doesn't discriminate


we all take turns here

for we've all got our burdens to bear  

this I know to be true

it seems like a cruel cosmic joke

to discover you are the warden to your own jail cell

but I enjoy a good laugh  

so I'll take this truth in stride with all the rest of 'em that deliver a bittersweet aftertaste

 

Invite me into your sphere.

I'll bring something of substance, every time!

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